this is not hollywood

Here it is at last -- the 'after' tour!

2009-10-29T18:25:09Z

I like it in Duluth

2009-10-10T19:59:13Z

Some of the leaves on the trees are still green, but it snowed last night. Only in Minnesota.

I'm going back to Duluth for my writers' group tomorrow. I'm making it a quick trip -- I'm staying with a friend at the halfway point between home and Duluth tonight, going the rest of the way tomorrow morning, and heading back home tomorrow afternoon. I expect to be back here at about 7 or 8, which is earlier than I usually managed to get down here when I came down for a visit.

I'm keeping the trip short because the writers' group will be finished early enough for me to drive home that same day, and because I still have so much to do here at the house before I have my official housewarming party next weekend. But mostly, I'm keeping it short because I'm afraid to return, and for me, grieving in steps seems to be the best way to cope.

I'm so afraid that my life in Duluth will start to feel like something that never even happened. It's so easy just to sink back into everything here in my hometown, where things have always been more-or-less the same. I keep pushing my mom away and trying to make her see that I lived on my own for seven years and I'm living on my own here, too. But still, there have only been a few moments when I've truly missed Duluth. There's been too much to do, and too many people always around. I haven't had a moment of loneliness, which is a change, mostly a good one. And there are things I love so much about living here, like a spacious office, the view of cornfields from my window, the promise of having a dog, and the kitty I inherited with the house.

Yet, when I think of Duluth, of entering it again, of being there again, there's this strange unsettled feeling inside. Part of me can't wait to get there, and part of me is dreading it. I know I'd much rather just keep pushing it away, not dealing with the rest of letting go. But the thing is, I *don't* want to forget my life there, who I was and what I accomplished. I don't want to forget Duluth. And I think the only way to stay connected is not to run away from it, to build a new relationship with it. And that new relationship will start tomorrow.

As promised, the video of my new home

2009-09-16T05:26:46Z

What if I fall?

2009-08-20T20:34:02Z

My home is slowly disappearing around me. The truth is, it won't ever look like my home again.

Last week, I did my last top-to-bottom clean, invited some friends over, then hosted my mom and sister. I sent some boxes home with them, but not as many as I would have liked. They brought a bunch of empty boxes up, and I went to the loft and threw down the boxes I'd kept from the last move. The boxes littered around the apartment made the place look ugly, so I figured, if it's going to look ugly, those boxes might as well be useful. So for most of the day, I've been packing them. I'll only be here for three more weeks--and really, there are a LOT of things that I won't need in those three weeks, including most of my books, my clothes, my blankets, and my Knick-knacks. So, into the boxes they go.

My apartment looks ugly and cluttered, and it's not going to look good again until it's completely empty. I feel like I need to completely empty myself, too, to make room for the goodbye. But there's a lot still sticking inside.

She's still crying, It's Over, It's Over.

2009-08-04T22:03:13Z

Just when I start to think I can do without TV (meaning I was considering not getting digital reception when I move), some program ends up sucking me in. Last night, I was channel surfing to get some background noise while I worked, and I came across Dating in the Dark, a reality show in which participants go on dates without being able to see one another. They finally are revealed to one another at the end, and then they get to decide whether they'll continue to see each other after, um, actually seeing each other. In my defense, they show the "dark" scenes with dark-lit settings that make it look like it's happening in black and white, so I actually thought I'd stumbled upon a documentary or something!

But really, this whole question of personality vs. attraction is one that is endlessly relevant -- and fascinating to me. Since I didn't date much for the first, um, 26 years of my life, I never really had to confront this conundrum. I fell for a few people during that time, and of course, I assumed I fell for them for their inner beauty. I always thought I was a person to whom "looks don't matter" -- but after doing more traditional dating, I have to admit that they do. But attraction isn't just about looks, which is what makes it complicated. I can think someone is physically gorgeous, but if I get to know them and think they're shallow, or mean, or just boring, they stop looking hot pretty darn fast. On the other hand, I've had enough experiences where I've tried to push an attraction when there wasn't one there for someone who "looked good on paper." And honestly, if that attraction isn't there -- whatever it is that makes that attraction appear -- I'm just not motivated to do all the work that goes with relationships.

OK, so looks matter to me, too. But maybe looks mattering isn't that big of a deal, since there are so many different attraction combinations out there. And the people I've fallen hard for have never been what mainstream society would consider "attractive," but damn, they could sure light up the room for me.

It probably doesn't do much good to analyze it or beat yourself up when you feel it for the wrong person or don't feel it for the seemingly right one. But I still did feel a little crushed inside to see "disappointment" on the faces of the show's contestants when the date they'd enjoyed in the dark was revealed to them (and, let's face it, this is TV, so everyone was reasonably attractive -- no deal-breakers there as far as I could see, but apparently the participants had different standards . . .).

Anyway, as soon as my cats discovered that I'd be watching Reality TV, they decided to get out, and get out fast.

Baby Goats!

2009-07-14T00:50:45Z

Returning to Duluth tonight was bittersweet. I want to feel fully present during these next few months, but I know being fully present will make leaving more painful. I need to remember that pain isn't always a bad thing.

I'm preparing myself for a litany of "last times." Today was the last time I hauled my kitties down and back to SW MN for a visit. The next time I pack them in the carriers, it will be to bring them to our new home (assuming nobody gets sick, which would be really inconvenient. You hear that, kitties?)

When I get too melancholy, I remember that my new life will include goats.

This is turning into a crazy cat lady blog

2009-06-19T04:31:48Z

I guess Phoebe started taking all the times I'd called her "my baby" seriously:

My favorite thing about cats: that they think everything in the world is there specifically so they can lie on it.

Lollipop Tail

2009-06-19T01:34:57Z

Lest Joker thinks I don't love her as much as I love Phoebe, here's a video of her being cute, licking her tail like it's a lollipop:

My life is complete now that I finally have this on film.

We all lead such elaborate lives

2009-05-02T13:55:16Z

Last night, I had vivid dreams about visiting some obscure foreign country I'd never heard of. It's strangely fitting. Ah, the wonders of the subconscious.

Waiting for my fishy to cook

2009-03-30T22:35:19Z

I stole this meme from a message board on New Moon Girls. Slightly politically incorrect

Use this simple trick and find out your 7 names!
1) your name:
Lacey
2)your detective name (your fave color and animal)
Blue Cat
3) your soap opera name(your pet's name OR your middle name plus the street you live on OR your best friend's last name)
Phoebe Lake
4) your superhero name (your second fave color and your fave drink)
Green Water
5)your gangsta name( the first three letters of your name plus izzle)
Lacizzle (like a popsizzle?)
6)your star wars name (the first three letters of your last name OR your crush's name plus the first two letters of your last name)
Lou (boring)
7) your goth name (dark plus your pet's name)
Dark Joker

Happy Lent, People

2009-02-25T21:54:22Z

I always wonder whether Happy Lent is an oxymoron. I'm gonna shake things up for lent this year. For the last few years, I've devoted half an hour a day during Lent to "spiritual reading" (with a wide definition of "spiritual"), but I spend SO much of every day doing obligatory reading that more obligatory reading didn't seem like a great discipline. I was *this* close to obligatory daily exercise, but this morning I got a message from God saying I should give up high fructose corn syrup. And that's what I'm going to do, since I've been wanting to cut it out of my life for a long time. I was dismayed when I put in a piece of bread for toast at lunch and saw that my bread had HFCS in it. Ah!! But I'm going to finish the loaf, because wasting it does not seem like a very conscientious choice. All the other stuff I have with high fructose corn syrup in it will last through the six weeks just fine. And clearly I'll have to read bread labels better the next time I shop. (Heck, I'll have to read ALL labels better).

I'm also going to get into the practice of "gratitude journaling" -- finding one thing to be grateful for each day. Maybe I'll post them here if the spirit moves me.

Finally, per oceaninmotion 's request, here are some images of the sexy messenger bag tandia2010 gave me.

A November Meme

2009-02-20T04:46:27Z

Today is my first day off in a long time, and I'm commemorating it by finally posting responses to these interview questions from passionrlsusall , asked way back on November 8 (that was during NaNoWriMo, if anyone wonders why I didn't get to them then. I also didn't have the whole freelancing thing down yet. I'm getting better at that now, so that I do actually have time off once in a while . . .).

1) What are a couple of reasons you're glad for having tried dating, and what are a couple reasons you're not glad?

I'm glad I've started dating because, as cliche as this sounds, I've learned a lot about myself and what I want. I used to be a person who thought "playing the field" was a total cop-out and dating to learn about yourself was just an excuse to get as much action as possible. I thought it was for people who didn't know themselves well enough to know what they wanted in a partner. And I thought I knew myself well enough that I wouldn't need to date to know when someone was right for me. And while that's right to some extent, I also know a lot more now than I did when it was just theoretical. I'm learning which things really do matter to me, and which ones don't. I'm learning that there are a lot of really, really good people out there, and that there really are a lot of fish in the sea. Dating has sort of given me renewed faith in men as a sex. But I'm also learning to pay attention to my gut and know when to call it quits, when I'm trying too hard, and how to untangle real, valid internal resistance to someone from my own hang-ups. Segue into part two of the question.

I'm not glad because, even though I've been doing it for over a year now, it still stresses the hell out of me. I hate all the beating around the bush and sizing each other up that happens in the first couple interactions you have with someone new. And it's brought me face-to-face, again and again and again, with my intimacy "issues," and every time they rear their ugly heads (yes, I think they have more than one), I just want to crawl under the blankets and say, screw it, it's just too much work. But I know that eventually, I'm gonna want someone under those blankets with me. So, I carry on.

2) What is your favorite t.v. show and/or your favorite movie?

My favorite TV shows are/were JEM and Gargoyles. JEM because I love how skanky and soap-opera-esque it was, and because they're all so gorgeous, and because I think it's actually got very good character development and story arc and is daring in places for a "kids" show. Plus, they sing! And they have multicolored hair. What's not to love?

Gargoyles because it's also got great characterization and story arc, beautiful animation, and because it draws together so many different types of stories, from Arthurian legend to Native American myths to history to clones, etc. etc.

My favorite movie is The Last Unicorn because the unicorn's transformation to the Lady Almathea and back to a unicorn again serves as a haunting, always-relevent metaphor for the ways that we can never be the same after certain experiences.

And obviously, I have a thing for animation. :)

3) Name a topic or issue that you're into, and explain why.

I'm into religion / spirituality, but not in the crazy fundamentalist nonsense way. But if you want to pick a topic for which there will always be more to learn and discover, you can't do much better than God. The world is so amazing and confusing and crazy, and yet I can't help but feel certain that it all fits together somehow. I guess my fascination with religion is just part of my search for meaning in life, but it feels kind of insatiable. Everything from Tarot to dream analysis to the Bible to different worship services . . . there's just so much to uncover, and the questions never cease to intrigue me. Nor do I really mind that I won't be finding the answers any time soon.

4) Would you rather spend a weekend at a spa or camping?

My gut reaction is to say camping, because I really like camping, and since living downtown in a city, my craving to spend time in nature has reached new heights. I have lots of good camping memories, and I expect to have many more. But I would like to go to a spa and get pampered at least once in my life, especially if it involves massages.

5) List 5 words that help describe your personality.

Eek.
1. Curious
2. Creative
3. Reclusive
4. Spiritual
5. Inbetween

It's funny that I'm not sure whether those words describe my personality, or just describe me. Is there a difference between me and my personality? There's a point to ponder.

What ever happened to revolution for the hell of it?

2009-02-05T03:36:19Z

This meme's goin' around like a virus over at Facebook, and now I'm going to bring the germ to Livejournal. Heh heh :: cough, sniffle ::

1. Even though I don't pay for my heating (it's included in rent), I deliberately keep my temperature just a little lower than is comfortable because it makes me feel hardy, and it makes tea and blankies so much nicer.

2. If I didn't need money, I wouldn't work. I'd read all day instead--without editing a word!

3. I'm secretly afraid I'm already a crazy cat lady.

4. I'm superstitious about Friday the 13, because when I was a kid my sister's friend's mom died in a car accident on Friday the 13. I just hold on tight and wait for it to be over every time it rolls around.

5. When the pain from my car accident went away, I was strangely disappointed; it was like suddenly the proof of the impact it had made on my life was gone. My body healed ridiculously fast. My mind is still getting there.

6. Sometimes, I still miss my dolls.

7. My favorite part of the day is taking my clothes or my pajamas off the heat register and getting into them when they're nice and warm.

8. I know I shouldn't rank some people I love higher than others, but I do.

9. I have trouble saying no with my words, even when I can feel the no screaming in my body.

10. I love making themed mixxes. Every time I hear a song, I want to make a new themed mixx around whatever the topic of the song may be.

11. There are probably some people that I will always miss, even if missing them isn't entirely justified.

12. I'm terrified that I won't make enough money to stay where I'm living; I don't know how I could live anywhere after waking up to that view of the lake every morning.

13. But I still want to live in the country again someday, so I can have goats.

14. I'm afraid I'm in danger of becoming a total recluse by the time I'm 30.

15. I used to be pretty hard-core Christian, and sometimes the rhetoric can still make me doubt myself.

16. I collect retellings, especially of fairy tales and Arthurian legend. There's something comforting about the same stories and characters again and again and again. I don't know if I'll ever have time to read them all.

17. Fruit makes me believe in God.

18. My family sometimes fantasizes about how we'd live in a post-apocalyptic world.

19. But I'm scared of the 2012 Mayan prophecies.

20. Two psychics have told me I'm going to get married when I'm 35. That's cutting it awfully close as far as the biological clock is concerned.

21. I'm attracted to boys who wear makeup, and girls who don't.

22. Almost every time I arrive at church, I wonder why I still go. By the time I leave, I remember why.

23. I have emetophobia and postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome. You get major props if you know what either of those things are. ;)

24. I was miserable in middle school and high school. Some days, the only thing that got me out of bed was the thought of listening to Mary Chapin Carpenter on my walkman as I rode the bus.

25. I only eat because I have to to stay alive. If I could get an injection every day to keep me from feeling the effects of hunger, and that would provide the nutrients I needed, I would be happy. I'd make an exception for dark chocolate and Indian food, though.

Closure or Morbid Curiosity

2009-01-03T03:12:45Z

I went into town with Mom and Krystl today. We stopped by the pound where they're holding my car so I could see it one last time. My memories from the accident are so jumbled that I felt like I needed to see what really happened in a time when my adrenaline wasn't rushing and my head wasn't bleeding.

Seeing it gave me a whole new love for my little Mazda. It pretty much gave its life for me.

I'm putting the pictures behind a cut because accidents are scary, and I don't know whether they might be triggering for some folks.

Mom seeing the damage for the first time.

This image is actually the most disturbing one for me, as it's the view from the driver's side and is "triggering" of that surreal feeling I had after the accident that I was in a car that was mine, but somehow not. I couldn't make sense of the fact that it had been a "bad accident" but that I was still essentially unhurt. I assumed everything must be fine until I reached over for my cell phone and discovered that the passenger side door had come up on the seat; the cell was buried underneath it. Needless to say, I used another phone to make my calls.

The man who hit me kept telling me to "get back into my car" where it was "warm" (everyone tells me it was very cold that day, but I don't remember feeling cold at all). He must have been as shaken up as me, because now that I see the car again, with half the windows broken out, I have trouble believing it was very warm in there at all.

My Healing To-Do List

2009-01-02T02:14:40Z

Today is the first day that my body has actually felt different -- better -- since the accident. It makes it feel like Monday - Wednesday was all just one long day. I can't believe it's been four days already. But having the pain lessen has me thinking of going back to Duluth again. It makes it seem possible to live on my own -- which really felt daunting as I was laying on the gurney in the emergency room. I couldn't stop crying because I was afraid this was the end of my independence, at least for a while. But today has made me feel that maybe life will return to normal. So I've started making a mental checklist of things I'll need to be able to do before I'm on my own again.

[X] Get out of bed and/or chairs without assistance
[X] Sit down and/or lie down without assistance
[X] Get dressed and undressed independently
[X] Bend down to pick something up
[X] Go up and down stairs
[ ] Do heavy lifting
[ ] Sleep with the lights off
[ ] Get a car
[ ] Drive

The last one is going to be the hardest; I've ridden in vehicles twice since the accident (not counting the ambulance) -- once on the way home from the hospital, and then yesterday to have dinner with my uncle Vincent. My dad was driving, and I was tense the whole time; I panicked when he looked away from the road or took his hands off the wheel. I've always felt nervous whenever loved ones have to drive; now I just have to not think about it. I'd like to believe all my fear was really premonition about this and that I've fulfilled the accident karma. I'd like to believe I've taken the statistical hit and that this can't happen to me or anyone close to me again, like I've paid some sort of dues. It would be nice if the world really worked that way.

I was a visitor at midnight

2008-11-21T03:49:25Z

Ah, 'tis the season for sickness. I have an unfortunate association of the holidays with vomiting. Those who have lived with me know that I have an irrational fear of vomit. So when I hugged a friend earlier this week, and she told me she'd just gotten over the stomach flu that day, my first panic of the season flared up. It's been in remission for a long time, mainly because I think I discovered that the root of it is in the illness I had as a child that almost killed me, and which, like all childhood illnesses seem to do, involved vomiting. Now, there's an erroneous path burned in my brain that says, "vomiting = dying," and my fear of vomiting becomes as strong as the fear of death.

Because of this phobia, I know a lot about vomiting--how to avoid it, how to prevent it, the myriad causes. That's because I thought by learning enough about it, I could control it and somehow make myself "immune" to it ever happening to me. So when my most recent panic returned, I did something I've never done before. Rather than search "stomach flu," in a frantic attempt to find out what I could do to prevent getting sick after I'd been exposed (and reading stuff I've read 3,000 times before), I typed "vomit phobia" into the search engine instead. And I discovered it has a name--emetophobia--and that there are thousands of people out there who suffer from it. Now, I knew that others suffered from it because I have an uncle and a cousin who do, but somehow finding these sites made me feel more healed and calm than anything. I think before I was so judgmental of myself, but somehow giving it a name and assigning it categorically to mental illness makes me feel somehow saner. I feel saner knowing there are other people out there who have ordered their life the way I have ordered my life in the height of the phobia. I guess that's the power giving something a name has; once you find a name for something, you know that you aren't alone.

The most interesting thing I found in my research was that most emetophobes, like me, haven't vomited in years. My sister has goaded me before, saying things like, "I don't know why you're worried; you never throw up." And it's true. And now I find there's been research done on the physiological response to vomiting, and that there's a certain threshold at which an individual's breathing needs to change in order for vomiting to occur. Emetophobes apparently do NOT allow that breathing pattern to change, so they'll battle the sickness until either they "give in" and "let themselves" throw up, or the brain will "give up" on trying to make the body vomit. Since vomiting is a defensive response, it makes me wonder what the health implications are for emetophobes who don't allow themselves that defense. I imagine our illnesses are probably longer and a bit more painful, although, of course, very little could be more painful than vomiting.

I'll shut up about this now because I doubt anyone else finds this as fascinating as I do. Indulge me in this, my phobic, coming out.

Speaking of coming out, I have a letter ready to mail out to Ashley (big Ashley) coming out to her at last. Now I have to get it out of my apartment before I lose my nerve again. But this time feels like the right time. I feel more calm at the prospect of her knowing than I ever have before. I think it'll be OK.

In other good news, the elevator in the building is fixed after a six-month hiatus, which means my recycling finally goes out. I'll have so much room in my closet!

Things are looking up

2008-11-06T02:15:50Z

Last night's election results have given me faith in the American people again. McCain's concession speech strangely touched me. I once made the remark to a neighbor that he reminded me of a "gentle grandfather," and I said that I could see how someone (like my dad) who only knew as much about the candidates as what he saw on TV could fall for him. My neighbor met that comment with derision. But I don't like to demonize the other side; it's especially poor manners when you're on the winning side.

It's been a long time since I've been on the winning side. If I had known it was going to be such a landslide, I would have stayed home Tuesday working on my NaNo rather than calling 438 -- yes, 438 -- Democrats and urging them to vote. But it was good to get back in touch with my telemarketing past. (Just for the record, getting people to vote for Obama is easier than getting them to accept free ice cream).

My dad took the outcome well, and Mom says that she thinks he "secretly" agreed with Obama but felt a need to be loyal to a man who had "served his country" in war. Like my parents, my sister Jessica and her fiance voted in two different directions. I was pleased when I learned that Jessica voted for Obama; and I'm more pleased to know she doesn't shy away from disagreein' with her man, although that should come as no surprise to me.

So, I've made the obligatory election post, and now I might crawl back into my hole. I most likely won't be writing much here this month because I'll be trying to write more here: </a>

(ETA: None of the darn NaNo widgets are working today. :()

I'm finally beginning to hit my NaNo stride, although I'm realizing this novel is not going in a direction that will make the original ending I had in mind sit well. I'll just have to hope that in about 40,000 words from now, that will be OK. I also just started a brand new blog about writing and my freelance adventures here. I've been wanting a "non-personal" blog for a while that I can use as a "writing sample," and I've also wanted to write a more theme-centered blog for a while, and this seems to fit the bill. I'm going to wait until I have more content before I pimp it too heavily, though. Right now I feel like it's sort of a practice blog (and a way for me to keep NaNo babbling off this one!)

Blogs are for politics, right?

2008-10-12T13:33:03Z

Personal life has been non-existent this past week due to hitting the jackpot in my second job and getting a long-ass manuscript with a tight-ass deadline. Finished it yesterday in time for my parents' arrival. They brought me an entertainment cabinet that my great-grandpa made. It's made for at least a 20-inch-screen, and since my own 12-inch would look woefully pathetic in it, the cabinet has become my new workstation. My parents helped me rearrange the apartment for it, so I feel a little like I just moved in all over again. I really, really, really love my apartment. One of the most terrifying things about leaving my job is that I'm afraid I'll feel internal and external pressure to leave Duluth. Also, I'm fighting the fear of, oh-my-god, I'm crazy. I'm scared to leave. But I don't think I am crazy.

My new workspace:

Joker has already claimed the TV shelf as her new playground. I might put a kitty bed in there, except I'm afraid that would lure them out of my own bed at night, which is exactly where I want them to be.

But, I'm really here to post this about why Republicans are (duh) not "pro-life." I realize this is preaching to the choir with my own f-list, which is why I'm leaving this post public. And, I hope it might help with talking points for folks who know and love good-hearted "single-issue voters" who latch on to a slogan and then vote for candidates based on the slogan without investigating how empty it truly is. (Thanks to amicietta for the link.)

Alrighty . . .

2008-09-20T16:04:39Z

I think I just finished my novel.

I've been mulling over final scenes for weeks, landed on one, then another. And today, when I felt sure I had at least three scenes left and possibly an epilogue, as I was actually writing the ending started descending around me, as inevitable as sunset. It was as if it said, "Sorry, you ain't gettin' another word out of me, sister."

But what about all the things I know that the reader doesn't know? What about the loose ends? I'm a fan of ambiguity, but this is a bit much even for me.

But the novel, which has suddenly developed a Brooklyn accent, says, "Tough luck, kid. That's what rewrites are for."

I love Tina Fey

2008-09-15T13:42:02Z

Something feels a little different about my life this morning, but I can't place what it is. I had dreams last night about Barack Obama. Only a handful of people attended some party he threw, and he seemed totally worn out. It was not encouraging. I still miss Hillary.

My horoscope:

Monday, Sep 15th, 2008 -- You have been holding back long enough. It's time that others realize who you are and what's important to you. Don't think about what's good for anyone else. Don't even ask for advice now, for the answer will most likely be of no help. Pushing your own agenda forward will not only get you closer to your goals, but will also make everyone aware of your abilities.

Yeah, man, I've held back long enough!! Hear me roar!

And, the best Saturday Night Live Skit EVER.

Very cute kitty

2008-09-14T02:07:08Z

Eek, I can't believe I updated my LJ and forgot to share this picture. Joker has found a new hiding place. No one will ever find her here.

The Hard Part Was Easy

2008-09-06T02:28:28Z

I think the hardest part of Go to Hell is behind me now. I made sure it saved about a zillion times so I won't have to do it over. I'm no longer writing in the morning because every scene is too crucial to pull off in that half-awake state that got me through the middle of the novel. I should make my September 22nd deadline. That is, as long as I actually write between now and then. I actually can't imagine my life without this beast of a book haunting me. Being finished might feel less satisfying than I expect. There's always the rewrite(s).

I like books - do you like books?

2008-08-22T02:44:45Z

This morning as I was leaving for work, I thought, "Huh, I wonder when Duluth's library booksale is. It's usually in August. I probably missed it. Ah well, I didn't need more books, anyway!"

But then I got an email from lilstarling saying she was going to the library booksale over her lunch break. I think my morning musing about it was a moment of psychic-ness indeed. I had luckily carved an hour and a half out of my afternoon for exercising before I came back to put in a couple more evening hours. SO, I skipped the Y and hit the book sale.

Because a) I have FAR more books than time to read them and b) I would have to carry the books back home with me and c) I had one $20 allotted for this excursion, I told myself that I would only allow myself to buy books that I was already interested in -- in other words, no picking up a book because the title sounds interesting! I would stick with books, authors, and subjects I knew. So, I was looking for books that I either have on my wishlist or that I could add to my collection of retellings (it used to be a King Arthur and Fairy Tale collection, but now I've started collecting retellings of myths and religious stories as well; I'm endlessly fascinated by the Stories That Will Not Die.) So even though I did come away with ten books (rather more than I'd expected) and even though my shoulder DID hurt as I was hauling them home, I must say I stuck to my criteria quite well. I couldn't help it that the booksale had so many Arthurian novels!

I got . . .
King Arthur and his Knights of the Round Table by Roger Lancelyn Green (I was afraid I had this one already, but I brought it home and did a cross-check and I don't. Phew!) And amicietta, this one has "Sir Gawain and the Green Knight" in it; I already checked. :))
First Knight by Elizabeth Chadwick (who knew this was a book first? I certainly didn't! I had to convince myself it wasn't a "novelization" of the movie before it came home with me. But it's not -- it's the real thing!! And since I'm such a girl when it comes to King Arthur (the Arthur-Guenevere-Lancelot love triangle never ceases to amuse me), I'm pretty excited about this one.)
The Wicked Day and The Last Enchantment by Mary Stewart (I read Mary Stewart's The Crystal Cave when I was a teenager, and although I didn't love it, well, that doesn't make it un-Arthurian!)
The Quest of the Holy Grail translated by P.M. Matarasso (this one doesn't say who it's by -- weird, no?)

That's it for the Arthurian goodies. The other goodies consist of . . .
Orlando by Virginia Woolf (because someone once told me that if I only read ONE of Virginia Woolf's novels, it should be this one.)
The Rats of Hamelin: A Piper's Tale by Adam and Keith McCune (yup, it's a retelling).
Grass by Sheri S. Tepper (Sheri S. Tepper is one of my favorite sci-fi writers, so this book fits in the "authors I already know" category)
Holy Blood, Holy Grail by Michael Baigent, Richard Leigh, and Henry Lincoln (um, it's a religious controversy book, and I was riveted by Michael Baigent's The Jesus Papers, and Tori Amos wrote a song about it, so that gets it in the cart right there (I didn't have a cart though, just my gym bag, ha!)).
And finally, a French-English dictionary for when I move to Belgium. What I REALLY wanted was some Dutch/Flemish language books, but there were none. And although I'm not going to try to learn French to the extent I'll try to learn Dutch, French is an official language of Belgium so I thought the dictionary might come in handy for deciphering signs and movie titles and such. I'm actually regretting not picking up the German dictionary, since German is ALSO an official language in Belgium. But since we didn't visit any German-speaking areas, that seems less real to me. IF I make it back to the sale tomorrow, I think I'll pick one up.

Now I'm looking forward to doing a HUGE ASS reorganizing of all my books. (I was inspired hearing about oceaninmotion doing it, and the newest additions to my book family make it nearly irresistible). I want to start RIGHT NOW, but it's likely to be a weeklong project that will require stacks of books in every corner of the apartment, and tandia2010 is coming this weekend, so, if I'm not going to clean for her, the least I can do is not make more mess. ;)

Now I'm off to stack my new books on the radiator, since there's no room in the bookshelves . . .

We've all got our junk, and my junk is you

2008-08-15T03:14:17Z

Phoebe and I had fun with this tonight, right before I did a reading for myself that said things were gonna be suckilicious for a while, but then I'm going to fall in love! (That reading had a twist ending; a twisted ending?) I'm sure many more attempted kitty-human psychic bonds will be attempted. I'm pretty sure she was psychically telling me she loves loves loves me so much. But I got some rather troubling inferiority vibes from Joker.

I think Go to Hell may be the last piece of "adult" literature I write. It's funny that as a teen I always saw myself writing adult fantasy and thought I was writing adult fantasy, only to realize that of course anything coming from a young adult is really a young adult novel no matter how many pages it is (and Jenn also aptly pointed this out when she did her second, adult read of my first novel). All the ideas that come to me these days are YA ideas. And I'm not really battling it; a part of me is going to be 14 forever, I've worked with adolescents for the last 6 years, and, well, I think I love YA novels better than any other kind of literature. Plus, they're shorter. Enough of these epics!

My freelancing slowed down this week, which threw me into a temporary panic, but luckily I was able to talk about it with someone who has more experience and perspective than I do. Letting go is so hard that I won't let myself do it unless I've shored up a million fall-back plans. But sometimes a fall-back plan interferes with the ability to let go. Joanna says, focus on one transition at a time. And letting go is a transition all its own, no matter what comes after it or how beautiful or terrifying it promises to be.

To Go Down Easy is the Hardest Way to Go

2008-08-05T20:52:07Z

I stole this from

amicietta's LJ so I could show off how well read I am. ;)

"The Big Read" reckons that the average adult has only read six books off their top 100 list.

1) Star the books you've read. *

2) Double star the books you love. **

3) Put a % by the books you started reading, but never finished.

4) Reprint this list in your own blog so we can track down these people who’ve only read six and force books upon them.

[What's the symbol for the books you hated? Or how about the ones on your shelf that you'll get to in good time?]

1. Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen**

2. The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien

3. Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte **

4. The Harry Potter Series - JK Rowling **

5. To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee **

6. The Bible %

7. Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte **

8. Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell*

9. His Dark Materials – Phillip Pullman**

10. Great Expectations – Charles Dickens

11. Little Women - Louisa M Alcott

12. Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy

13. Catch 22 - Joseph Heller

14 . The Complete works of Shakespeare %

15. Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier

16. The Hobbit --J.R.R. Tolkien %

17. Birdsong – Sebastian Faulks

18. Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger**

19. The Time Traveller's Wife (no author on this one?)

20. Middlemarch - George Eliot

21. Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell

22. The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald

23. Bleak House - Charles Dickens

24. War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy

25. The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams

26. Brideshead Revisited – Evelyn Waugh

27. Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky

28. Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck

29. Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll *

30. The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame

31. Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy

32. David Copperfield – Charles Dickens

33. Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis %

34. Emma - Jane Austen **

35. Persuasion - Jane Austen *

36. The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe - CS Lewis *

37. The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini

38. Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres

39. Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden %

40. Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne

41. Animal Farm - George Orwell*

42. The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown

43. One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez

44. A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving **

45. The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins

46. Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery **

47. Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy

48. The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood**

49. Lord of the Flies – William Golding *

50. Atonement - Ian McEwan

51. Life of Pi - Yann Martel

52. Dune- Frank Herbert*

53. Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons

54. Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen*

55. A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth

56. The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon*

57. A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens

59. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon

60. Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez

61. Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck*

62. Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov**

63. The Secret History - Donna Tartt

64. The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold *

65. Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas

66. On The Road - Jack Kerouac

67. Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy

68. Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding

69. Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie

70. Moby Dick – Herman Melville

71. Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens

72. Dracula - Bram Stoker

73. The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett

74. Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson

75. Ulysses - James Joyce

76. The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath*

77. Swallows and Amazons (this one doesn't have an author either)

78. Germinal - Emile Zola

79. Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray

80. Possession - AS Byatt**

81. A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens *

82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell

83. The Color Purple - Alice Walker **

84. The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro

85. Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert

86. A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry

87. Charlotte’s Web - EB White **

88. The Five People You Meet In Heaven – Mitch Albom

89. Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

90. The Faraway Tree Collection – Enid Blyton

91. Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad*

92. The Little Prince – Antoine de St. Exupery (in French as well as English)

93. The Wasp Factory – Iain Banks

94. Watership Down - Richard Adams

95. A Confederacy of Dunces – John Kennedy Toole

96. A Town like Alice- Nevil Shute

97. The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas

98. Hamlet - William Shakespeare **

99. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl

100. Les Miserables – Victor Hugo