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Just Say the Word

"If you can find a place where you can talk to someone special without shouting, you could have a very intimate conversation that leads to a loving connection." - Last week's "weekly love horoscope."

On Saturday night, Ivan and I were in bed discussing a couple of his friends who got married deciding they never wanted kids. Now the husband in the couple does. Ivan said, "I wonder if he hit that magic age, whatever it is, that makes you want to have kids."

I said, "I don't think it's so much about a magic age as about getting to a certain point in your life, when you feel like things are pretty secure and you want to take a next step." I paused, and then I added, "I know that I've found myself wanting kids a lot more now that we've been married a year. I was just so adamant that I didn't want to get pregnant in the first year; and now that that's over, I feel like my body is asking, 'Well, what are you waiting for?'"

Ivan asked, "What are you waiting for?"

I said, "For a time when the urge for kids becomes almost constant. Right now, I feel it really strongly sometimes; but other times I just feel so grateful that it's just the two of us and we don't have to worry about kids yet. I'm waiting for the time when my desire for kids becomes greater than that feeling. Right now it's about 50/50." Then, wanting to get a sense of where Ivan was emotionally on the whole kids issue, I asked, "What are you waiting for?"

I expected him to say something about getting more work done on the house, or deciding what he wants to do next with his business. But all he said was, "Just you."


Wow...it sounds as though he is saying he is ready whenever you are. I wish you the best of luck whenever you decide you are ready. (Just remember that you will never feel 100% ready, so don't expect that one perfect epiphany.)

As I'm sure you've noticed, I've had kids on my mind a lot lately- when we visited Orlando, we had dinner one night with two sets of couple friends each with a baby...neither of whom had babies before we moved! On the other side, our two sets of best married couple friends here in CA want children some day down the line but are very adamantly against starting now- to the point that I almost feel weird talking about being ready myself...worried it will feel weird when we are the first ones of our little group to have a baby. (I *still* get people telling me not to rush...)

Actually, we would have started trying already, but we've booked a cruise in Sept. and don't want to risk me being miserable on the trip....however, we have decided to stop preventing pregnancy during that time! Eek! I don't deny that part of me is terrified.
That's exciting! In our groups of friends, almost all Ivan's married friends have children, and most of them have more than one. Ivan is afraid all their kids will be too old to play with ours by the time we get started. :p But no one in my group of friends from college has kids; I think it's likely either my best friend from college or I will be the first. I wouldn't be surprised if we end up pregnant at the same time, since we're sort of on similar trajectories.

I know I probably won't get a perfect epiphany (although I did get sort of an epiphany about marrying Ivan, and I was *still* scared. ;)), but I trust that at some point my yearning for children will outpace my fear or reluctance. I've definitely been noticing kids a lot more. And keeping in mind health concerns, I'd like to have my first child before age 35.

So I was actually really relieved to know that Ivan's not waiting for any special accomplishment before he decides he's "ready" -- I was worried I might get to that point and then have to pressure him to catch up, which I really didn't want to do. It's nice to know that when I feel ready we can just go for it. :)