this is not hollywood

Some of the leaves on the trees are still green, but it snowed last night. Only in Minnesota.

I'm going back to Duluth for my writers' group tomorrow. I'm making it a quick trip -- I'm staying with a friend at the halfway point between home and Duluth tonight, going the rest of the way tomorrow morning, and heading back home tomorrow afternoon. I expect to be back here at about 7 or 8, which is earlier than I usually managed to get down here when I came down for a visit.

I'm keeping the trip short because the writers' group will be finished early enough for me to drive home that same day, and because I still have so much to do here at the house before I have my official housewarming party next weekend. But mostly, I'm keeping it short because I'm afraid to return, and for me, grieving in steps seems to be the best way to cope.

I'm so afraid that my life in Duluth will start to feel like something that never even happened. It's so easy just to sink back into everything here in my hometown, where things have always been more-or-less the same. I keep pushing my mom away and trying to make her see that I lived on my own for seven years and I'm living on my own here, too. But still, there have only been a few moments when I've truly missed Duluth. There's been too much to do, and too many people always around. I haven't had a moment of loneliness, which is a change, mostly a good one. And there are things I love so much about living here, like a spacious office, the view of cornfields from my window, the promise of having a dog, and the kitty I inherited with the house.

Yet, when I think of Duluth, of entering it again, of being there again, there's this strange unsettled feeling inside. Part of me can't wait to get there, and part of me is dreading it. I know I'd much rather just keep pushing it away, not dealing with the rest of letting go. But the thing is, I *don't* want to forget my life there, who I was and what I accomplished. I don't want to forget Duluth. And I think the only way to stay connected is not to run away from it, to build a new relationship with it. And that new relationship will start tomorrow.

My home is slowly disappearing around me. The truth is, it won't ever look like my home again.

Last week, I did my last top-to-bottom clean, invited some friends over, then hosted my mom and sister. I sent some boxes home with them, but not as many as I would have liked. They brought a bunch of empty boxes up, and I went to the loft and threw down the boxes I'd kept from the last move. The boxes littered around the apartment made the place look ugly, so I figured, if it's going to look ugly, those boxes might as well be useful. So for most of the day, I've been packing them. I'll only be here for three more weeks--and really, there are a LOT of things that I won't need in those three weeks, including most of my books, my clothes, my blankets, and my Knick-knacks. So, into the boxes they go.

My apartment looks ugly and cluttered, and it's not going to look good again until it's completely empty. I feel like I need to completely empty myself, too, to make room for the goodbye. But there's a lot still sticking inside.

Just when I start to think I can do without TV (meaning I was considering not getting digital reception when I move), some program ends up sucking me in. Last night, I was channel surfing to get some background noise while I worked, and I came across Dating in the Dark, a reality show in which participants go on dates without being able to see one another. They finally are revealed to one another at the end, and then they get to decide whether they'll continue to see each other after, um, actually seeing each other. In my defense, they show the "dark" scenes with dark-lit settings that make it look like it's happening in black and white, so I actually thought I'd stumbled upon a documentary or something!

But really, this whole question of personality vs. attraction is one that is endlessly relevant -- and fascinating to me. Since I didn't date much for the first, um, 26 years of my life, I never really had to confront this conundrum. I fell for a few people during that time, and of course, I assumed I fell for them for their inner beauty. I always thought I was a person to whom "looks don't matter" -- but after doing more traditional dating, I have to admit that they do. But attraction isn't just about looks, which is what makes it complicated. I can think someone is physically gorgeous, but if I get to know them and think they're shallow, or mean, or just boring, they stop looking hot pretty darn fast. On the other hand, I've had enough experiences where I've tried to push an attraction when there wasn't one there for someone who "looked good on paper." And honestly, if that attraction isn't there -- whatever it is that makes that attraction appear -- I'm just not motivated to do all the work that goes with relationships.

OK, so looks matter to me, too. But maybe looks mattering isn't that big of a deal, since there are so many different attraction combinations out there. And the people I've fallen hard for have never been what mainstream society would consider "attractive," but damn, they could sure light up the room for me.

It probably doesn't do much good to analyze it or beat yourself up when you feel it for the wrong person or don't feel it for the seemingly right one. But I still did feel a little crushed inside to see "disappointment" on the faces of the show's contestants when the date they'd enjoyed in the dark was revealed to them (and, let's face it, this is TV, so everyone was reasonably attractive -- no deal-breakers there as far as I could see, but apparently the participants had different standards . . .).

Anyway, as soon as my cats discovered that I'd be watching Reality TV, they decided to get out, and get out fast.

Returning to Duluth tonight was bittersweet. I want to feel fully present during these next few months, but I know being fully present will make leaving more painful. I need to remember that pain isn't always a bad thing.

I'm preparing myself for a litany of "last times." Today was the last time I hauled my kitties down and back to SW MN for a visit. The next time I pack them in the carriers, it will be to bring them to our new home (assuming nobody gets sick, which would be really inconvenient. You hear that, kitties?)

When I get too melancholy, I remember that my new life will include goats.

I guess Phoebe started taking all the times I'd called her "my baby" seriously:



My favorite thing about cats: that they think everything in the world is there specifically so they can lie on it.

Lest Joker thinks I don't love her as much as I love Phoebe, here's a video of her being cute, licking her tail like it's a lollipop:


My life is complete now that I finally have this on film.

Last night, I had vivid dreams about visiting some obscure foreign country I'd never heard of. It's strangely fitting. Ah, the wonders of the subconscious.

I stole this meme from a message board on New Moon Girls. Slightly politically incorrect

Use this simple trick and find out your 7 names!
1) your name:
Lacey
2)your detective name (your fave color and animal)
Blue Cat
3) your soap opera name(your pet's name OR your middle name plus the street you live on OR your best friend's last name)
Phoebe Lake
4) your superhero name (your second fave color and your fave drink)
Green Water
5)your gangsta name( the first three letters of your name plus izzle)
Lacizzle (like a popsizzle?)
6)your star wars name (the first three letters of your last name OR your crush's name plus the first two letters of your last name)
Lou (boring)
7) your goth name (dark plus your pet's name)
Dark Joker

I always wonder whether Happy Lent is an oxymoron. I'm gonna shake things up for lent this year. For the last few years, I've devoted half an hour a day during Lent to "spiritual reading" (with a wide definition of "spiritual"), but I spend SO much of every day doing obligatory reading that more obligatory reading didn't seem like a great discipline. I was *this* close to obligatory daily exercise, but this morning I got a message from God saying I should give up high fructose corn syrup. And that's what I'm going to do, since I've been wanting to cut it out of my life for a long time. I was dismayed when I put in a piece of bread for toast at lunch and saw that my bread had HFCS in it. Ah!! But I'm going to finish the loaf, because wasting it does not seem like a very conscientious choice. All the other stuff I have with high fructose corn syrup in it will last through the six weeks just fine. And clearly I'll have to read bread labels better the next time I shop. (Heck, I'll have to read ALL labels better).

I'm also going to get into the practice of "gratitude journaling" -- finding one thing to be grateful for each day. Maybe I'll post them here if the spirit moves me.

Finally, per oceaninmotion 's request, here are some images of the sexy messenger bag tandia2010  gave me.

 

Today is my first day off in a long time, and I'm commemorating it by finally posting responses to these interview questions from passionrlsusall , asked way back on November 8 (that was during NaNoWriMo, if anyone wonders why I didn't get to them then. I also didn't have the whole freelancing thing down yet. I'm getting better at that now, so that I do actually have time off once in a while . . .).

1) What are a couple of reasons you're glad for having tried dating, and what are a couple reasons you're not glad?

I'm glad I've started dating because, as cliche as this sounds, I've learned a lot about myself and what I want. I used to be a person who thought "playing the field" was a total cop-out and dating to learn about yourself was just an excuse to get as much action as possible. I thought it was for people who didn't know themselves well enough to know what they wanted in a partner. And I thought I knew myself well enough that I wouldn't need to date to know when someone was right for me. And while that's right to some extent, I also know a lot more now than I did when it was just theoretical. I'm learning which things really do matter to me, and which ones don't. I'm learning that there are a lot of really, really good people out there, and that there really are a lot of fish in the sea. Dating has sort of given me renewed faith in men as a sex. But I'm also learning to pay attention to my gut and know when to call it quits, when I'm trying too hard, and how to untangle real, valid internal resistance to someone from my own hang-ups. Segue into part two of the question.

I'm not glad because, even though I've been doing it for over a year now, it still stresses the hell out of me. I hate all the beating around the bush and sizing each other up that happens in the first couple interactions you have with someone new. And it's brought me face-to-face, again and again and again, with my intimacy "issues," and every time they rear their ugly heads (yes, I think they have more than one), I just want to crawl under the blankets and say, screw it, it's just too much work. But I know that eventually, I'm gonna want someone under those blankets with me. So, I carry on.

2) What is your favorite t.v. show and/or your favorite movie?

My favorite TV shows are/were JEM and Gargoyles. JEM because I love how skanky and soap-opera-esque it was, and because they're all so gorgeous, and because I think it's actually got very good character development and story arc and is daring in places for a "kids" show. Plus, they sing! And they have multicolored hair. What's not to love?

Gargoyles because it's also got great characterization and story arc, beautiful animation, and because it draws together so many different types of stories, from Arthurian legend to Native American myths to history to clones, etc. etc.

My favorite movie is The Last Unicorn because the unicorn's transformation to the Lady Almathea and back to a unicorn again serves as a haunting, always-relevent metaphor for the ways that we can never be the same after certain experiences.

And obviously, I have a thing for animation. :)

3) Name a topic or issue that you're into, and explain why.

I'm into religion / spirituality, but not in the crazy fundamentalist nonsense way. But if you want to pick a topic for which there will always be more to learn and discover, you can't do much better than God. The world is so amazing and confusing and crazy, and yet I can't help but feel certain that it all fits together somehow. I guess my fascination with religion is just part of my search for meaning in life, but it feels kind of insatiable. Everything from Tarot to dream analysis to the Bible to different worship services . . . there's just so much to uncover, and the questions never cease to intrigue me. Nor do I really mind that I won't be finding the answers any time soon.

4) Would you rather spend a weekend at a spa or camping?

My gut reaction is to say camping, because I really like camping, and since living downtown in a city, my craving to spend time in nature has reached new heights. I have lots of good camping memories, and I expect to have many more. But I would like to go to a spa and get pampered at least once in my life, especially if it involves massages.

5) List 5 words that help describe your personality.

Eek.
1. Curious
2. Creative
3. Reclusive
4. Spiritual
5. Inbetween

It's funny that I'm not sure whether those words describe my personality, or just describe me. Is there a difference between me and my personality? There's a point to ponder.

This meme's goin' around like a virus over at Facebook, and now I'm going to bring the germ to Livejournal. Heh heh :: cough, sniffle ::

( 25 things about me you don't *really* need to know )

I went into town with Mom and Krystl today. We stopped by the pound where they're holding my car so I could see it one last time. My memories from the accident are so jumbled that I felt like I needed to see what really happened in a time when my adrenaline wasn't rushing and my head wasn't bleeding.

Seeing it gave me a whole new love for my little Mazda. It pretty much gave its life for me.

I'm putting the pictures behind a cut because accidents are scary, and I don't know whether they might be triggering for some folks.
( Rest in peace, little Mazda )

The man who hit me kept telling me to "get back into my car" where it was "warm" (everyone tells me it was very cold that day, but I don't remember feeling cold at all). He must have been as shaken up as me, because now that I see the car again, with half the windows broken out, I have trouble believing it was very warm in there at all.

Today is the first day that my body has actually felt different -- better -- since the accident. It makes it feel like Monday - Wednesday was all just one long day. I can't believe it's been four days already. But having the pain lessen has me thinking of going back to Duluth again. It makes it seem possible to live on my own -- which really felt daunting as I was laying on the gurney in the emergency room. I couldn't stop crying because I was afraid this was the end of my independence, at least for a while. But today has made me feel that maybe life will return to normal. So I've started making a mental checklist of things I'll need to be able to do before I'm on my own again.

[X] Get out of bed and/or chairs without assistance
[X] Sit down and/or lie down without assistance
[X] Get dressed and undressed independently
[X] Bend down to pick something up
[X] Go up and down stairs
[  ] Do heavy lifting
[  ] Sleep with the lights off
[  ] Get a car
[  ] Drive

The last one is going to be the hardest; I've ridden in vehicles twice since the accident (not counting the ambulance) -- once on the way home from the hospital, and then yesterday to have dinner with my uncle Vincent. My dad was driving, and I was tense the whole time; I panicked when he looked away from the road or took his hands off the wheel. I've always felt nervous whenever loved ones have to drive; now I just have to not think about it. I'd like to believe all my fear was really premonition about this and that I've fulfilled the accident karma. I'd like to believe I've taken the statistical hit and that this can't happen to me or anyone close to me again, like I've paid some sort of dues. It would be nice if the world really worked that way.

Ah, 'tis the season for sickness. I have an unfortunate association of the holidays with vomiting. Those who have lived with me know that I have an irrational fear of vomit. So when I hugged a friend earlier this week, and she told me she'd just gotten over the stomach flu that day, my first panic of the season flared up. It's been in remission for a long time, mainly because I think I discovered that the root of it is in the illness I had as a child that almost killed me, and which, like all childhood illnesses seem to do, involved vomiting. Now, there's an erroneous path burned in my brain that says, "vomiting = dying," and my fear of vomiting becomes as strong as the fear of death.
( Read more about vomiting. You know you want to. )

Speaking of coming out, I have a letter ready to mail out to Ashley (big Ashley) coming out to her at last. Now I have to get it out of my apartment before I lose my nerve again. But this time feels like the right time. I feel more calm at the prospect of her knowing than I ever have before. I think it'll be OK.

In other good news, the elevator in the building is fixed after a six-month hiatus, which means my recycling finally goes out. I'll have so much room in my closet!

Last night's election results have given me faith in the American people again. McCain's concession speech strangely touched me. I once made the remark to a neighbor that he reminded me of a "gentle grandfather," and I said that I could see how someone (like my dad) who only knew as much about the candidates as what he saw on TV could fall for him. My neighbor met that comment with derision. But I don't like to demonize the other side; it's especially poor manners when you're on the winning side.

It's been a long time since I've been on the winning side. If I had known it was going to be such a landslide, I would have stayed home Tuesday working on my NaNo rather than calling 438 -- yes, 438 -- Democrats and urging them to vote. But it was good to get back in touch with my telemarketing past. (Just for the record, getting people to vote for Obama is easier than getting them to accept free ice cream).

My dad took the outcome well, and Mom says that she thinks he "secretly" agreed with Obama but felt a need to be loyal to a man who had "served his country" in war. Like my parents, my sister Jessica and her fiance voted in two different directions. I was pleased when I learned that Jessica voted for Obama; and I'm more pleased to know she doesn't shy away from disagreein' with her man, although that should come as no surprise to me.

So, I've made the obligatory election post, and now I might crawl back into my hole. I most likely won't be writing much here this month because I'll be trying to write more here: </a>



(ETA: None of the darn NaNo widgets are working today. :()

I'm finally beginning to hit my NaNo stride, although I'm realizing this novel is not going in a direction that will make the original ending I had in mind sit well. I'll just have to hope that in about 40,000 words from now, that will be OK. I also just started a brand new blog about writing and my freelance adventures here. I've been wanting a "non-personal" blog for a while that I can use as a "writing sample," and I've also wanted to write a more theme-centered blog for a while, and this seems to fit the bill. I'm going to wait until I have more content before I pimp it too heavily, though. Right now I feel like it's sort of a practice blog (and a way for me to keep NaNo babbling off this one!)

Personal life has been non-existent this past week due to hitting the jackpot in my second job and getting a long-ass manuscript with a tight-ass deadline. Finished it yesterday in time for my parents' arrival. They brought me an entertainment cabinet that my great-grandpa made. It's made for at least a 20-inch-screen, and since my own 12-inch would look woefully pathetic in it, the cabinet has become my new workstation. My parents helped me rearrange the apartment for it, so I feel a little like I just moved in all over again. I really, really, really love my apartment. One of the most terrifying things about leaving my job is that I'm afraid I'll feel internal and external pressure to leave Duluth. Also, I'm fighting the fear of, oh-my-god, I'm crazy. I'm scared to leave. But I don't think I am crazy.

My new workspace:


Joker has already claimed the TV shelf as her new playground. I might put a kitty bed in there, except I'm afraid that would lure them out of my own bed at night, which is exactly where I want them to be.

But, I'm really here to post this about why Republicans are (duh) not "pro-life." I realize this is preaching to the choir with my own f-list, which is why I'm leaving this post public. And, I hope it might help with talking points for folks who know and love good-hearted "single-issue voters" who latch on to a slogan and then vote for candidates based on the slogan without investigating how empty it truly is. (Thanks to amicietta  for the link.)

I think I just finished my novel.

I've been mulling over final scenes for weeks, landed on one, then another. And today, when I felt sure I had at least three scenes left and possibly an epilogue, as I was actually writing the ending started descending around me, as inevitable as sunset. It was as if it said, "Sorry, you ain't gettin' another word out of me, sister."

But what about all the things I know that the reader doesn't know? What about the loose ends? I'm a fan of ambiguity, but this is a bit much even for me.

But the novel, which has suddenly developed a Brooklyn accent, says, "Tough luck, kid. That's what rewrites are for."

Something feels a little different about my life this morning, but I can't place what it is. I had dreams last night about Barack Obama. Only a handful of people attended some party he threw, and he seemed totally worn out. It was not encouraging. I still miss Hillary.

My horoscope:

Monday, Sep 15th, 2008 -- You have been holding back long enough. It's time that others realize who you are and what's important to you. Don't think about what's good for anyone else. Don't even ask for advice now, for the answer will most likely be of no help. Pushing your own agenda forward will not only get you closer to your goals, but will also make everyone aware of your abilities.

Yeah, man, I've held back long enough!! Hear me roar!

And, the best Saturday Night Live Skit EVER.